I missed my grandmother. I did my best to season like she would have. I cooked the chicken like she would have. (Which, by the way, would be way too dry for most people's standards. Ha!) I made her cucumber salad complete with half-and half poured over the top. And, of course, I couldn't forget the bread with cheese. How could you even think of having a meal without those two items?
You see, I've been gone from this little blog-world for quite sometime. In the months that have passed since the last time I wrote, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent major surgery. Roughly a week later, my grandmother (her mother) was also diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, she was a Stage 4 with widespread cancer that most likely originated in her pancreas, as opposed to my mom's Stage 1. A short 3 weeks later, my grandmother was gone. It all happened so fast and my head had barely wrapped around my mom's situation and then all of a sudden our lives were turned even further upside down.
I was close to my grandma. I have lived in the same city as she did since I was seven. I spent many days with her and my grandpa and when we were young, we would even have slumber parties at their house. They were always so much fun and shared so much with us. I could list page after page of wonderful memories and stories. My grandpa passed away after a lengthy illness nearly thirteen years ago, and the memory of that is still very raw. It's rare for me to go a day without thinking about him or wishing that he was still here. But with Grandma, it was just so fast. I know I haven't fully absorbed the reality of it yet, but I can feel it slowly sinking in. Last night was one of those nights that I could really feel that sense of loss and hurt and anger beginning to slink its way in.
And so, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I needed to smell the smells of her kitchen. I needed to make a big kitchen mess like she would have and set my table like she would have. I needed to eat food that tasted as much like hers as it could. And for a little while, I felt better. It wasn't quite like hers, but it was close enough for that moment. I explained to sweet little Sofia what I was doing. I'm not sure how much of it she understood, but hopefully over time, stories, and many more dinners like last night's, she will come to know her great-grandma as more than just a lady in some of her baby pictures.
These words really spoke to me yesterday:
It's taken me awhile to grasp it all, but I have finally arrived at the grown-up place of life-is-what-you-make-it and there are lots of things in life we go through that aren't comfortable or ideal, but they could be so incredibly worse, and a simple life of comfort does nothing to change us, mold us, make us into better, stronger more beautiful versions of ourselves...
They come from the blogger Kelle Hampton. If you've never checked out her writing, you absolutely must. (www.kellehampton.com) I can't even begin to describe the beauty, strength, courage, and humor this woman possesses. I check her blog daily for peace, inspiration, and fantastic photography.
So, off I go now...........to continue working on this better, stronger, more beautiful version of myself. And part of that just might lie in more of grandma's recipes.
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