Breaking a 4-Month Hiatus

In some respects I can't believe it was June when last I sat down to write, and in others, I'm not entirely surprised. I'm a wife, a teacher, and a mother of a sixteen-month old--I feel lucky when I have time to wash the make-up off my face before I collapse into bed each night.

When I wrote my last post, it was warm and green outside. I had that relaxed, "ahh, vacation" aura around me that only a teacher knows. Now, the air is crisp and rather than shades of green and blue, there is yellow, orange, gold, and deep burgundy. Fall. Mmmmm...... I love it. There's something for me to love about every season, and for me Fall means Halloween, Thanksgiving, and celebrating all things leafy and harvesty.

The remainder of our summer flew by fast, but was filled with so much fun. Our annual trip to the lake, Sofia's first birthday, the Fourth of July, family pictures, birthday celebrations for both David's and my mothers, more trips to the zoo, ice cream, playing in baby-sized wading pools on the back deck, wearing fabulous sunglasses, the engagement of my sister, and one last trip to visit family before school started again.

Now that we're deep into fall, we've had the fun and excitement of the first day of the school year, the Autumnfest Parade, Halloween, the annual visit from our Arizona relatives, and now we look forward to my grandma's birthday party and Thanksgiving.

Yes, I should be including photos at this point, but I'm just too weary. I'm happy to be back to my blog, but sleep is about to take priority. Priority over the two loads of laundry still left to be washed, priority over the ironing, priority over the dusting, and priority over the dishes waiting in the sink to be washed.

Good night :)

My Summer Vacation (So Far...)

With summer here, I am officially a full-time (albeit seasonal) stay-at-home-mama. I spent the first-third of last summer pregnant and the last two-thirds in a daze of sleep deprivation, delivery recovery, and new-mama hormonal highs and lows. Fun, I know. Anyway, as I enter this first summer of being a clear-thinking, rational (most of the time) human again, I realize a few things. I now know I am a mama because:

*I have been trying to drink the same cup of coffee since 10:00 this morning.

*my hair is still not done and I still don't have my make-up on and it's after 1:00pm. (At least my teeth have been brushed.....small victories, small victories...)

*my kitchen floor is a sticky mess of cereal puffs, water/pear juice combo that leaked out of the not-supposed-to-leak sippy cup, and scrambled eggs. And I just scrubbed it yesterday.

*I do laundry. All day. Every day.

*I've sung "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" no less than 6 times today to calm a baby who was sad that her daddy left for work and then got sad again after her aunt had to return to work after her lunch break.

*I love nap time. It means I can either try and get something done around the house, or go to to the bathroom, or, like yesterday, I can take a nap myself:)

*I wouldn't have it any other way.

I love my little wombat and I'm so lucky that I get to be with her all summer long. We've already had quite a few adventures this summer, which I'll have to write about later. Nap time is almost over.................

Pictures (or lack thereof)

Almost forgot.....the noticeable absence of pictures.

I can only apologize and promise to try and get better. I have only my own laziness to blame--it's just so much faster to type a post and be done. But, as a blog reader, I look forward to pictures and should extend the same courtesy to those who read this blog.

Someone hold me to this pledge...........Aunt Sue.....? I know you're out there--just start hounding me if photos don't start becoming regular characters around here. Ha! :)

Memorial Day

This past year has been full of firsts for our sweet baby girl, and today was no exception.

After a morning of sleeping in, toast and fruit for breakfast, a splishy-splashy bath, and a nice nap, we took Sofia on her first trip to the zoo. We brought the aunts along and spent the next couple of hours just strolling along and pointing out all the animals to our little one. David had the time of his life--he loves the zoo, and taking Sofia was one of the things he was looking forward to most about this summer. (He's already talking about their next visit.) Sofia enjoyed looking at the other babies in strollers and the zoo map more than she did the animals. It was hilarious--if you didn't know better, you'd swear she was actually reading the darn thing and planning out our next stop. Until we got to the pigs.

Sofia had a great time with her little swine friends. She smiled and laughed and they made their little piggy noises at her. She took this as her invitation to show them how she can make her piggy noises, too. The aunts were so moved by this exchange that they bought Sofia her own stuffed pig from the gift shop. (She's actually cuddled up asleep with it as I type this. Oh, that girl has a way of melting my heart like none other...)

After our zoo trip, we went back to my parents' where my dad had grilled a hot dog supper for us all. Our official kick-off to summer ended with a drive out to the Veteran's Memorial Cemetary to say our thank-you's and pay our respects to friends and family.

Happy Memorial Day, and let us never forget the true meaning behind this day...

Fresh

Isn't that a fun word? It just makes you feel good. It makes me think of laundry right off the line, a clean house, a Spring breeze, a swim in the lake, new beginnings. I need fresh in this house. I want to rid it of cooped-up Winter, of sadness, of stale.

Windows have been thrown open. A boquet of bright yellow, green, & white flowers now sit on the dining room table (Courtesy of my hubby. He also brought home a canoli yesterday.....does he know me or what?) The basement is being demolished in preparation for a facelift of its own. We have been exploring outside with Sofia. It's a whole new world to her that completely entralls her. I love her little "Wooooo!" that she yells everytime she steps over the threshold of the door. Our Winter clothes are being laundered and packed away as the Spring and Summer wardrobes are brought out. I bought the best pair of sandals last week--they're a beautiful brushed silver and the design is actually called "Sea Salt". How cool is that? I have a haircut and pedicure scheduled for tomorrow. While I'm gone, it will give David and Sofia time to be together and when I return we're going to spend the rest of the day together as a family.

Yes, it's time for a fresh, new "normal" around here. So now I'm going to go do my hair, put on my Sea Salt sandals, and go get coffee with my husband and daughter.

Last night I cooked a meal just because

I missed my grandmother. I did my best to season like she would have. I cooked the chicken like she would have. (Which, by the way, would be way too dry for most people's standards. Ha!) I made her cucumber salad complete with half-and half poured over the top. And, of course, I couldn't forget the bread with cheese. How could you even think of having a meal without those two items?

You see, I've been gone from this little blog-world for quite sometime. In the months that have passed since the last time I wrote, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer and underwent major surgery. Roughly a week later, my grandmother (her mother) was also diagnosed with cancer. Sadly, she was a Stage 4 with widespread cancer that most likely originated in her pancreas, as opposed to my mom's Stage 1. A short 3 weeks later, my grandmother was gone. It all happened so fast and my head had barely wrapped around my mom's situation and then all of a sudden our lives were turned even further upside down.

I was close to my grandma. I have lived in the same city as she did since I was seven. I spent many days with her and my grandpa and when we were young, we would even have slumber parties at their house. They were always so much fun and shared so much with us. I could list page after page of wonderful memories and stories. My grandpa passed away after a lengthy illness nearly thirteen years ago, and the memory of that is still very raw. It's rare for me to go a day without thinking about him or wishing that he was still here. But with Grandma, it was just so fast. I know I haven't fully absorbed the reality of it yet, but I can feel it slowly sinking in. Last night was one of those nights that I could really feel that sense of loss and hurt and anger beginning to slink its way in.

And so, I did the only thing I could think of to do. I needed to smell the smells of her kitchen. I needed to make a big kitchen mess like she would have and set my table like she would have. I needed to eat food that tasted as much like hers as it could. And for a little while, I felt better. It wasn't quite like hers, but it was close enough for that moment. I explained to sweet little Sofia what I was doing. I'm not sure how much of it she understood, but hopefully over time, stories, and many more dinners like last night's, she will come to know her great-grandma as more than just a lady in some of her baby pictures.

These words really spoke to me yesterday:

It's taken me awhile to grasp it all, but I have finally arrived at the grown-up place of life-is-what-you-make-it and there are lots of things in life we go through that aren't comfortable or ideal, but they could be so incredibly worse, and a simple life of comfort does nothing to change us, mold us, make us into better, stronger more beautiful versions of ourselves...

They come from the blogger Kelle Hampton. If you've never checked out her writing, you absolutely must. (www.kellehampton.com) I can't even begin to describe the beauty, strength, courage, and humor this woman possesses. I check her blog daily for peace, inspiration, and fantastic photography.

So, off I go now...........to continue working on this better, stronger, more beautiful version of myself. And part of that just might lie in more of grandma's recipes.

The straw it is a-crashing...

...upon this camel's back. Have you ever had one of those moments in life when you just can't imagine one more thing being added onto a plate that's already spilling over? (Which, in my case wouldn't matter too much, since my kitchen floor is filthy...mental note::scrub kitchen floor::) Well, right now, that's me.

Work has been pushing me to my limits: Student issues that require extensive documentation, parent meetings, and data collection; evening program upon evening program (all requiring stage decorations, costumes, props, and the like. All to be purchased, organized, put together, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera, by yours truly; LESSON PLANS THAT JUST WON'T QUIT; parent-teacher conferences; committee meetings; and "Oh, yeah--do you think you could write this grant? The submission deadline is tomorrow. Thanks."

I had the intention of slowing down my "performing musician" life. I've cut back on the number of symphony concerts I play in each season, and I decided this year not to perform in a wind ensemble in our city that rehearses each year starting in January and culminates in a performance for the junior high all-state band in mid-March. David also plays in this group, and in addition to the March concert this year, a performance was added in February for an intercolleigate festival. David and I decided that it would be too much for both of us to be away from Sofia, so I said I would sit this year out, but he should go ahead and play. Sadly, the director of this ensemble is currently battling cancer and his health has forced him to step aside for the intercolleigate performance this Saturday. His wife also plays flute in the ensemble and will be staying with him this weekend, so I was asked if I could step in and play for her. I said 'yes', so a bunch of rehearsals have been added into my schedule and David and I have to drive 200 miles (round trip) tomorrow for this festival, leaving Sofia for the day. I know she'll be in great care with family, and I know that the stress of the added rehearsals and performance isn't even comparable to the stress that the director and his wife are dealing with, but I can't help but let it weigh on me.

I feel like I just keep falling further and further behind. I'm in a constant state of guilt: If I'm with Sofia, I feel guilt about not getting more things done for work; If I'm working, I feel guilt about not being with Sofia. I feel guilt for not having cooked one meal this week. I feel guilt for not finishing last week's laundry and already having this week's laundry spilling out of the hamper and onto the floor. I feel guilt for not having cleaned the house in OVER TWO WEEKS. ::Good lord--is that toothpaste on the shower curtain?!?:: Oh, and I need to schedule a dentist appointment (two months overdue), a haircut (at least a good month overdue), an oil-change (will be overdue after this weekend), and set up an appointment with our tax accountant. (How far out from April 15 are we...?)

I feel guilt about complaining when there are people out there who would love to have the stress of a job, because it means they're employed. There are those who don't come home to a family at all at the end of the day because they are all alone in this world. There are those who would love the stress of a messy house, because it would mean they at least have someplace to call "home". I get it, really I do--it's just that I'm not coping with the stress very well right now. So why am I sitting here blogging about it instead of working to cross some of those things off my list? Well, to be honest, I've just hit a wall and have become paralyzed by the straw.

Oh, Dear Blog, How I've Missed You...

I can't believe how long it's been since I've last written--bad blogger, bad! Life in this nutshell seems to have been even more hectic than usual lately. There was the flurry and hurry of Christmas, which was so much fun with Sofia. She didn't really have the true concept of what was going on, but she sure did enjoy all the attention and time with her family. And, true to cliche, she really did find the wrapping paper most exciting of all. (She's really into paper to begin with--paper and tags. As in those fabric loopy tags found on clothing, toys, etc. Grandma Lonna even found her a soft fabric book ALL OF TAGS. She totally loves it.) January was full of work, rehearsals, concerts, programs, music festivals, and all sorts of things that kept us running. Good thing, too, I suppose--less time to dwell on how absolutely frigid the weather has been. February and March look as though they're going to be just as busy--they weren't originally, but the course has changed in the last couple of days. But, that's a blog entry in and of itself--later, I promise.

My goal for right now is to just spend as much time with David and Sofia as possible (enjoying every minute, every second!) and take things one day at a time. And, of course, to get this blog updated--latest photos and achievements of my little Sofalicious included :)

Allow me to brag about my

husband for a moment. I've had quite a stressful couple of weeks at work--I won't go into details, but suffice it to say, I've been in need of some downtime. Yesterday he came up to me and said, "Why don't I take Sofia with me and go run some errands and you can have some time to do whatever you want." I was able to take a shower (uninterrupted, mind you--no having to set up a bouncy seat in the bathroom and entertain a baby while simultaneously trying to shave my legs); do my hair; and DO MY TOENAILS!!! Upon my family's return, I was calm and happy, they were calm and happy, and David even brought me a coffee. Heaven! Oh, yeah.....and did I mention he did the ironing?